"The winter of our physical and emotional world is on the horizon.
Tomorrow we unravel. Until we break through the spring ice with new skin.
This is the work.
I can feel it."
I think the spring ice is here.
Suddenly I can sit in the big rooms again without shivering and I'm even daring enough to take short walks without a scarf tightly wound around my neck. the soil in the fields outside my window are half exposed and the pathways are filled with slush and rocks. I'm no expert on winter, but damn that was short.
It should be snowing but instead there is the rain that melts and ice's the snow over. The rain makes me feel alive and I am great full for the sound it gives. Our internships are on it's fourth week and coming to a close just as I'm starting to pick up the thread again.
The beginning of my internship was strange and hard.
How to describe the muffling quality of the snow that weighted me down and left me feeling alone but not lonely.
All consuming silence.
I truly forgot the point and remembering myself all at once, I took walks into foggy places and wandered in circles for days.
I asked to see myself and I didn't like what I saw.
Without the crutch of a relationship I had to catch myself over and over again and every day felt a little more pointless.
I have not hit a place this dark or this hard in some years, and even though I knew it was coming it still took my breath and left me.... scared.
I've really been experimenting with failure.
I decided to stay because some layers have to be taken off by yourself. When I was 12 my aunty told me not to fear depression, but to use it as a time sit inside. To channel it out in a different way. For the first 17 days I watched and listened to the video below and wrestled myself away from staring at a wall to instead writing. I made daily lists of tasks so that I could remember where I had been, and see where I still had to go. In between I exercised a lot so that I could know the feel of my body again. I wrote letters, called friends and ate orange after orange, trying to remember why I was here and what I was doing. I should have been furious with myself but instead I was just tired.
How to explain that one Sunday morning when I woke up and had the sudden strength to say "enough". Oh the relief of being able to hold a conversation without getting stuck in my throat. Oh the joy of the steady clicking back into place and the ease of walking fully in ones skin again.
To lose myself is to experience myself.
Some things I just have to do alone.
As part of our curriculum here at YIP we, the participants go on an internship for a month to a country and organization of our choice. This is a chance for us to practice engaging in the world with what we have been learning here, at YIP.