I've been sick, and had to be dragged out of bed this morning, groggy-eyed and disoriented, by Kalani who was practically skipping with excitement. I made my way out of our room into the kitchen, eyes half open, and was stopped mid-step, still naked, by the sight of our kitchen counter littered with Jamaican lilikoi, roses fresh from market, strawberries, lilikoi-sugarcane orange juice, raw chocolate and The Purse. The Purse was "not going to be ready by today", so he had said last night, but that too was a part of this absolutely beautiful surprise. Kalani made The Purse, buying and dyeing the leather himself, constructing and stitching it together by hand, and the final product in full, is the most exquisite anything that anyone has ever made for me. Tailored to the length of my torso and arm, measured to fit my yearly datebook, there is nothing more I can say other than that I carried it everywhere with me today, stroking it's side and feeling the love that went in to it.
I turned 22 today, a round, sound number that sits well with me in all the balance that even numbers represent. There is a sense of relief at hitting this age, the two numbers together make me think of a husky rose pink, I have this feeling that it is about to get Really Good. This is one of the first birthday's I've had where I honestly could not ask or wish for anything. My one desire was to be with my family, experience shared cups of tea, moments of everyday living, laughing and words. I feel like I'm growing up, or more precisely, I feel like I'm growing into my mom, and that is also a relief. Knowing that my one priority is my family, and understanding and accepting myself for the woman that I am. I love flowers, steeped herbs, sharing writing that brings tears, fluffy blankets, silliness, ultimately the word 'Cozy'. I am content here, curled into my sisters, with big curly hair all around.
I received so much love and tenderness today. I have consciously chose not to list my birthday on facebook and because of this do not receive 400 birthday wishes every year, which has always seemed slightly silly to me. This choice has truly made me appreciate and cherish each and every warm thought I've received, as I know that the well wisher is an actual real participant in my life. I like that.
Today was a day for Reflection. Birthday's are good for this, a socially accepted day to step out of the world and do what you please at your leisure. I read over this Goal list that I put together two years ago on my 20th birthday. That birthday was a day filled with internal anxiety, as I was entering my 20's but also stepping off 'Sugar Mountain' (for those of you who know/understand my relationship with Neil Young/Sugar Mountain). I had spent a large majority of my life beforehand anticipating the day I would be leaving Sugar Mountain, and was excited yet dearly sad. In hindsight I view my 17-21yrs as a kind of rounding of a corner, becoming an adult doesn't happen over night, and that is what those years felt like. This past year, I finally feel like I've come into my own. I feel confident.
Below is the 10 yr. Goal list that I sat down and wrote that night. I loved going over it, inwardly laughing over some of my thoughts and wordings, but feeling like I'm on my path, as I placed checks next to some of my accomplishments. Day-by-day, step-by-step, I'm learning, I'm moving.
GOALS TO BE ATTAINED BY AGE 30: JULY 20, 2011- AGE 20
- In every way I am seeking and immersing myself in education, whether it be on the day-to-day, or in an educational facility.
- Eddi and Nikki (this spring) -check
- Attend YIP ( I can do this!) - check
- Attend Pacific Rim College
- I am in the never ending mindset that no physical reality is out of my means. I set destinations with intention, and travel with integrity.
- New York -check
- New Zealand
- Italy - check
- Australia -check
- Sweden!!!! - Yay
- The Farm (Tennessee)
ANYWHERE, EVERYWHERE, I AM THERE.
AVAILABILITY TO GIVE:
- I am available, and compassionate of other beings in need. I have endless love to give others.
- Participate in outreach programs
- Utilize my education, time and money, by directly putting to use what I have learned
- My love for myself and this earth comes from within
- I work for, and manage myself
- My business is successful. I have international clientele, awaiting my arrival!
- I love purely to love
- I love without expectation
- I accept individuals in all unique forms
- I reside here and now with all other beings
- I am gracious and understanding of all the places people come from, that makes them, them.
I HAVE AND HOLD COMPLETE FAITH WITHIN MYSELF, FOR MYSELF.